The Kilbot Factory blog

IT'S A CELEBRATION BITCHES!
FINALLY, a mainpage article we can all read and rail on!
Yes faithful, The Bigg Daddy has returned to the mainframe ready to inflict some sage advice and profanity-laced punishment to all'n'sundry who dare to not “bring the realness”…

—–EXTENDED BODY:
Now I'm sure the first thing buzzing in ya braincells right now is "MUST KILL FROG", but after that, most likely "Wassup wit a hardcore pipe-hittin' fool like ma mang, Da Buxx, messin around with some pantywaist-wearin' freaky-deaky Electric Boogaloo orchestra sheeeat!"

First off - waddup wit da ebonics dawg? And secondly - to set the topic for the agenda, I'm sure we've all experienced those Penny-Dropping moments in history, where once the truth is revealed a collective dog-whine "WaaaaAWWW!" appears on one's face! But its not just in the finding out - to expand on the Penny-Drop, I have created the phrase Penny-Ripple to describe the revelations and ramifications which become apparent after the finding out! Popular examples include, finding out that all your great comic icons from the 80s *all* originated from Saturday Nite Live (Chase, Murray, Murphaaaay!), how it was a "anti-climax" when George Michael came out (i thought he was still sowing oats and that Gay = Marilyn!) or when you realised why kids gave you shit at school by referring to "Your Two Dads"…Today, its all about tha Musical Penny-Ripples babeeee - a must-read for all ScarfRockers! (suckaz!)

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ELO = Electric Light Orchestra = Easy Listenin Overlords!!
Yeah I bought the Best Of last week - I'll fight ya! But in the context of this article, and prefacing all future statements in the knowledge that for BD DubSac being The Best Dude Like Ever to admit his fallabilities in musical history is a big ask, so bear with me as I explain this most recent Penny-Drop…

Basically, I knew ELO sang "Its A Living Thing", which is one of those Rock Hudson tracks (ie secretly gay but totally choice! aka the Guilty Pleasure) and being the free-wheelin' and dealin' cat that I am (and recognising "Don't Let Me Down" on the back), I comprehensively purchased said Best Of.

Now, I turn the CD cover to read the revelation - The Penny-Drop - The Great Moment, if you will:
"all words and songs by: Jeff Lynne

Now, if Fancy will just keep it down for a minute, to me - this was a revelation…the "WaaaaAWWW Fuck yeah, this guy who writes Beatles/ Beach Boy harmonies singing every song about "all over the m'fn world" and sounds exactly like George Harrison and Roy Orbinson's last two records, is that same fuckin guy who I've always wondered "Who the Fuck Is That Fifth Guy" in the Travelling Wilbury's!!"

[The Penny-Ripple] Now I know why all Travelling Wiblury's songs sound like 4 famous dudes on an ELO track! Still not sure where Jeff gets off fusing Queen with Beach Boys and why he has an afro…or how the fuck one man constitutes an entire goddam orchestra!

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Earth, Wind and Motherfuckin Fire = Soul/ Disco/ R&B Sensations of the 70s
Man, I love their shit! They rock some slow freaky shit, some uptempo disco grooves - they perfected having 82 people on stage with 4 on instruments and 78 on vocals, in some tripped out one-piece superhero costume shit! Masters Of The Danciverse. Okay, so yeah, "Fantasy" is another Rock Hudson fave of mine, and some may group "September" in there also…

So there I am flicking through the gateway foldout, trying to find the bit about where the Coke pile wasn't big enough for 82 mouths, when who should I find out is leading this shit:
lyrics and lead vocals: Phillip Bailey

PHIL "THE PHUCK" BAILEY!!

Hang on - wasn't there some hella random thin-tie wearin' freak hanging out with Phil Collins in the mid-80s? "Easy Lover", "Chinese Wall"???

[The Penny-Ripple] I always wondered how they could keep a brother down with an 18-octave vocal range! The man could sang! (have you *heard* those notes at the end of "Fantasy" and "After The Love Is Gone" - El Castrato homes!) Well hey, it was the 80s, and Phil's were taking solace in each other! "Easy Lover" is a rocking song, possibly only so due to Bailey's appearance and his submissive demeanour which allows him to humour the creative-vacuum that is Phil "Suedif'nwhat?" Collins. Phil Bailey is Da Mang mang!

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Chicago = Not Boston = Celine Dion considers them "hard"
Okay, now we enter The Ben Affleck Zone, where the songs are considered so mainstream and, well, gay, that it is hard to profess your love for their beauty except over 40 beers at a local karaoke joint…(seriously, I can watch Affleck in Kevin Smith movies - thats it! he peaked in f'n Mallrats!)

Always wondered who did that really timeless song about "leave me now" taking "my biggest part away", french horns, sweeping orchestral arrangements - or that other one about everybody "needing a little time away" and my *still to this day controversial* stance on the phrasing of the third verse "After all the whoooo(WTF?) we've been through". They rock a soft ballad harder than Extreme!!

So, I'm sifting through my beloved gate-fold (as Matty Milner never taught me), and lo' and behold:
lyrics and vocals: Peter Cetera

Oh My God…..
Just one Hall from Hall & Oates-lookalike mu'fuckka is churning out this gold?? Haven't I heard this kinds of 80s rock pap a million other times before?….

[The Penny-Ripple] Now, if you haven't seen Karate Kid, I'd venture to say you've either a) not been born, b) got a BETA and ain't changing, or c) are standing on some crazy principle that Scott Baio should've got that role man! "Glory Of Love" is a seminal montage/ fighting/ fighting for love/ winning over chicks with fighting….for love!/ chicks before fighting/ love over fighting but still must be fighting-fight/love ballads of ALL TIME! Guess who sang that one too….This dude basically wrote my entire teenage soundtrack, which spookily actually involved a crusty old martial arts instructor, moving to Jersey (Mandurah), and Billy Zabka! No shit!

So now its back to you, dear shithead (just testing to see if anyone read to this point), to state your…
GREAT MOMENTS IN PENNY-DROPPING [MUSICAL] HISTORY!!

$BDW$
Deez4Premiers05

The Billy Zabka Of Football
For all the fans of pure football - “pure” in the sense of watching an innocent 6 year old pick up a football for the first time - today marks a truly tragic day, as veteran “athlete” Clive Waterhouse aka The Waterhose aka Crazyhorse aka The Clive aka The Athletic One was unceremoniously DUMPED from the Dockers playing list, as of this year.

This truly comes as a shock to me, being your humble yet omnipotent fooseball correspondent, as “Spray Like A” Waterhose, after 8 years, was actually finally starting to realise his potential, and comprehend the intricacies of the game (ie mark ball hands, drop ball foot, ball kick goal, ball kick player, no ball no play, etc.). His form for The Mighty Tiges far more warranted a callback than, say, Gilmore, Dunn, or James “Ghost Who Plays 100″ Walker, and it was like his mutated albino freak brain was overcoming 27 years of clouded judgment, and it would all finally come together, culminating in a valuable forward flank position…

Alas, the game loses another Entity! I'm not talking Carey, Ablett “Entity” - I'm talking The Real Quirkheads Of The Game - Zanotti, Tommy Alvin, [King] Allen Jakovich, Mark Jacko Jackson, Capper, Bhudda Hocking, Doc Wheeldon, Simon Mintie-Connell, Clinton Wolf, Simmo “Doggystyle” Atkins, Wizard Mk.2, Justin Madden, Scotty Cummings(yaface), Jarrod “Train In A Flannel” Molloy - actual CHARACTERS of the game! Guys that you'd watch, not just for their skills or complete lack thereof, but just to see if something truly crazy memorable went down ala God Jakovich doing his patented 50m kick into the grandstand when only 2m out from goal!! or everyone grabbing Tommy Alvin's hair as a legitimate tackle…

I think [their story] is best summed up through this quote on The Clive:

“How often can you remember a smile creasing your lips, possibly even breaking into laughter, while watching Clive play?”

The more sterile and “fluid” this great game of ours becomes, the more likely we are to lose these great characters of the game to 20-pound weakling robot-clones (see Eagles draftlist 98-02).

Damian Drum, as shit a coach and a haircut as you like, was actually onto something when he drafted a gangly piece of turd with a shock of white hair and a 400ft vertical leap - Drummy knew comedy, and if you don't beleive that, I point to his request to keep coaching after his 1-win season!

Hopefully Clive's tragic story will inspire us all to cherish these true Legends Of The Game….

*Deez for premiers 2004

Just to think, this time, last week, the world was not ready for the eclectic stylings of The DR Boyz, and their ode to date-rape/ one-night stands, in the form of the Hit/ Mega-Single “The Sleepy Song”…

And who better to epitomise the sentiment that “some people say Im a little creepy, just coz I like me girls a lil' sleepy” than The Whore Princess, Ms Works Hard For The Money Hilton!

Is there a harder worker in showbizness? Amazingly, Ms Whoreton appeared in no less than 2,736 articles this past week - and the only one which appared to relate to any discernable “talent”, was in reference to her ability to perform sex acts whilst maintaining the same coc-eyed, sleepy glare she is sooooo famous for!

This can only mean one thing….SHE IS ON SELF-ADMINISTERED ROHYPHONOL 24-7!! Truly, she is the Princess Whore of Rohy Royalty!

Once again, another tragic death in the life of a childstar….Jonathon Brandis, click here for details…

Some call it “The NeverEnding Curse” - others, who aren't looking for hackeneyed cliches, refer to it as “The SeaQuest Heart-Throbs…No More!” aaaahhhhh pun! Do you think his last words were “See you in Hell ATRREEEEYOOOOOOOOO!”

Yes, It's true - You favourite uncle Bigg Daddy Wallbuxx has got mainframe access now (IN YO FACE “CENSORED” Bagder!)and as such, it falls upon me to report and update y'all on the truly crucial matters, which consist of: (exhaustive list)

- TV/ Celebrity
- Legalities
- Wrestling
- Tall Poppy Trimming

B-Diddy “That's Beef!”
—–EXTENDED BODY:
That's pretty much all you need to get by in life, and the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can drop ya shitty PhD's about microlumbar fillinpoppies magnospectrum's an shit, and start living in THE REAL WORLD!!

And every Monday, when I am usually still simmering from a hard weekends' brain frazzling, I shall single out one person who is thoroughly deserving of my venemous wrath, in a segment I call,

What's Beef

Holly Valance - are you still here? Hasn't "Bizarro Holly" (ie Delta) crammed enough crow into your pies lately? Been biting any hands that feeds ya? Once you've taken off ALL YOUR CLOTHES on your FIRST filmclip, where do you go?

I'd be the first one to tell you exactly where, but I'll also leave that up to the fine readership here at Kilbot.net to poke a few fun suggestions..

Oh yeah, and leave your Brandis tributes too…If you can combine it with the Valance-diss, you are a true samaritan!!

B-Diddy "That's Beef!"