The Billy Zabka Of Football
For all the fans of pure football – “pure” in the sense of watching an innocent 6 year old pick up a football for the first time – today marks a truly tragic day, as veteran “athlete” Clive Waterhouse aka The Waterhose aka Crazyhorse aka The Clive aka The Athletic One was unceremoniously DUMPED from the Dockers playing list, as of this year.
This truly comes as a shock to me, being your humble yet omnipotent fooseball correspondent, as “Spray Like A” Waterhose, after 8 years, was actually finally starting to realise his potential, and comprehend the intricacies of the game (ie mark ball hands, drop ball foot, ball kick goal, ball kick player, no ball no play, etc.). His form for The Mighty Tiges far more warranted a callback than, say, Gilmore, Dunn, or James “Ghost Who Plays 100″ Walker, and it was like his mutated albino freak brain was overcoming 27 years of clouded judgment, and it would all finally come together, culminating in a valuable forward flank position…
Alas, the game loses another Entity! I’m not talking Carey, Ablett “Entity” – I’m talking The Real Quirkheads Of The Game – Zanotti, Tommy Alvin, [King] Allen Jakovich, Mark Jacko Jackson, Capper, Bhudda Hocking, Doc Wheeldon, Simon Mintie-Connell, Clinton Wolf, Simmo “Doggystyle” Atkins, Wizard Mk.2, Justin Madden, Scotty Cummings(yaface), Jarrod “Train In A Flannel” Molloy – actual CHARACTERS of the game! Guys that you’d watch, not just for their skills or complete lack thereof, but just to see if something truly crazy memorable went down ala God Jakovich doing his patented 50m kick into the grandstand when only 2m out from goal!! or everyone grabbing Tommy Alvin’s hair as a legitimate tackle…
I think [their story] is best summed up through this quote on The Clive:
“How often can you remember a smile creasing your lips, possibly even breaking into laughter, while watching Clive play?”
The more sterile and “fluid” this great game of ours becomes, the more likely we are to lose these great characters of the game to 20-pound weakling robot-clones (see Eagles draftlist 98-02).
Damian Drum, as shit a coach and a haircut as you like, was actually onto something when he drafted a gangly piece of turd with a shock of white hair and a 400ft vertical leap – Drummy knew comedy, and if you don’t beleive that, I point to his request to keep coaching after his 1-win season!
Hopefully Clive’s tragic story will inspire us all to cherish these true Legends Of The Game….
*Deez for premiers 2004
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