The Billy Zabka Of Football
For all the fans of pure football - “pure” in the sense of watching an innocent 6 year old pick up a football for the first time - today marks a truly tragic day, as veteran “athlete” Clive Waterhouse aka The Waterhose aka Crazyhorse aka The Clive aka The Athletic One was unceremoniously DUMPED from the Dockers playing list, as of this year.
This truly comes as a shock to me, being your humble yet omnipotent fooseball correspondent, as “Spray Like A” Waterhose, after 8 years, was actually finally starting to realise his potential, and comprehend the intricacies of the game (ie mark ball hands, drop ball foot, ball kick goal, ball kick player, no ball no play, etc.). His form for The Mighty Tiges far more warranted a callback than, say, Gilmore, Dunn, or James “Ghost Who Plays 100″ Walker, and it was like his mutated albino freak brain was overcoming 27 years of clouded judgment, and it would all finally come together, culminating in a valuable forward flank position…
Alas, the game loses another Entity! I'm not talking Carey, Ablett “Entity” - I'm talking The Real Quirkheads Of The Game - Zanotti, Tommy Alvin, [King] Allen Jakovich, Mark Jacko Jackson, Capper, Bhudda Hocking, Doc Wheeldon, Simon Mintie-Connell, Clinton Wolf, Simmo “Doggystyle” Atkins, Wizard Mk.2, Justin Madden, Scotty Cummings(yaface), Jarrod “Train In A Flannel” Molloy - actual CHARACTERS of the game! Guys that you'd watch, not just for their skills or complete lack thereof, but just to see if something truly crazy memorable went down ala God Jakovich doing his patented 50m kick into the grandstand when only 2m out from goal!! or everyone grabbing Tommy Alvin's hair as a legitimate tackle…
I think [their story] is best summed up through this quote on The Clive:
“How often can you remember a smile creasing your lips, possibly even breaking into laughter, while watching Clive play?”
The more sterile and “fluid” this great game of ours becomes, the more likely we are to lose these great characters of the game to 20-pound weakling robot-clones (see Eagles draftlist 98-02).
Damian Drum, as shit a coach and a haircut as you like, was actually onto something when he drafted a gangly piece of turd with a shock of white hair and a 400ft vertical leap - Drummy knew comedy, and if you don't beleive that, I point to his request to keep coaching after his 1-win season!
Hopefully Clive's tragic story will inspire us all to cherish these true Legends Of The Game….
*Deez for premiers 2004
Jim says:
Spot-on, BD, I dip my lid to you. With Clive now gone and so many ignorant chicken-suckers calling for Jeff Farmer's head, the game we love so dearly is in danger of having all it's colour sucked dry. Today, football mourns a clown prince.
Drummy knew comedy, but Clive knew it better. When asked what his worst habit was by 'Smurf' Watters on Fox Footy's Freo Show Clive, in typically bone-dry fashion, replied, "pickin' me arse". Pity the fools down at Freo Timezone (a favourite haunt of Crazyhorse's) who played Galaga after he had finished with it. I relish memories of being at a backyard piss-up and hearing Clive taunting Kingsley Hunter with one half of the spoonerism, "Hingsley", and always sneering that the JJJ Hottest 100 album on the stereo was "shit". During the thirty year old's comeback game last year against the Roos, he took a big sit on Jess Sinclair and later rekindled the school yard classic by saying that Jess was "packin' himself" as Clive loomed.
Lovers of the Worst Case Examples never got him of course, for comedy, tragedy, unpredictability and all the other things which make life good have no place in the Great Game for them (witness the Lego-head lackeys they have running around for them these days).
But stuff the detractors. Clive is the leading goal kicker in the history of the Fremantle Football Club (Tony 'Mods' Modra, another semi-oddball who could probably squeeze into BD's esteemed list of footy eccentrics, is in second place with 30 less goals) and on his (rare) day could match and beat anyone. Recalling Clive scalping the steroid freak that is A. Jakovich's younger brother in the 2000 Demo Derby - booting 7 electrifying goals and leading Fremantle to a rousing 1-point victory - still stirs the soul.
He provided a light-hearted and occasionally awe-inspiring antidote to the pain of the weekly floggings we used to cop on and off the field. Clive is emblematic of the 'Freo of Old’; the capricious, charismatic assortment of goons who (hardly ever) win, (almost always) lose or (never, and still the only team in the league never to have done so) draw enticed a deep affection that transcended merely 'following your team'. One thing the Fremantle Football Club could never be accused of was being boring.
As this side gathers momentum and we behold a once fabulously fuddy-duddy jalopy transform into a well-oiled (F)REO Speedwagon, capable of winning finals and flags, it's nice to reminisce about the hulking albino ray of sunshine which pervaded the dark days when we were the laughing stock of the competition. It's just a shame that he won't be here for the good times.
Vale Clive. Godspeed.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
:cry: that eugogoly nearly brought a tear to this old jaded bastard's eye…*sniff*
"Hinglsey", "FREO Speedwagon" (aka Michael Gardiner), "ass-picking" - he truly was a bogan's bogan inside a freak albino body…
Comedy comes in so many packages. Possibly sitting alone at the top of the Unintentional Comedy Scale, would be Sir Clive and Mike Tyson - truly a compliment to both respective careers…
I did contemplate Godra in that list (and am still hoping people will add their own favourites and expand on The QuirkHead Team Of The Century - coming soon!), and it would be interesting to see if Waterhose or Metro's Freo own the record for most all-time points scored for Dem Dockers…
As you state, he genuinely is the last link to The Glory Years, when you could excuse The Clive for hurtling himself sideways into a 3-man all-Dockers pack (what he would refer to as "marking") coz at least he gave the impression he was trying. But then again, this is the team which dropped The Fletch after only averaging 30+ possessions for the year…
Let's not leave the game with Spider "Petrol Sniffin C**t" Everitt and Brendan "Crazy Hair = Character Of The Game" Fevola as our remaining bastions of The Kookiness. They are faux charades! We here, as members of Kilbottery, must take a stand and let these clubs know that the Clive's, the AJ's and the future Jacko's will always have a place in our game, due to that one intangible factor…
The [Ric] FLAIR!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KL says:
That is some sweet albino mayhem you have written there, BDW.
I don't have the mental energy to do it justice with a proper response today.
But you are so on the money.
b. perm says:
yeah it really brings a tear to my eye - my coc eye that is :cry:
Barney says:
I second that, KL… I think it's all poetry, and the Waternaught would be proud to read it, providing he had a dictionary by his side as he did so… And perhaps a coach to show him how to use it.
Jim says:
I'll put my QuirkHead Team Of The Century together soon, but in the meantime I thought you'd appreciate this quote from a fellow Clive and Claremont devotee…
"He won't ever play anywhere else, as after he kicks 13 goals to win the tigers the WAFL Grand final he will ascend into heaven in a flaming chariot pulled by Scott Chisholm and Andrew Wills".
KL says:
I thought I would share with you a few words on Cliiivvvee from one N. Jarvis (also known as the [url=http://fremantlefc.com.au/default.asp?pg=news&spg=voiceintheouter]Voice from the Outer[/url]). These quotes are taken out of context, but they still illustrate the riddle wrapped in an enigma surrounded by a box of mystery that is Cliiivvveee:
"I am getting quite excited at the prospect of His Cliveness freaking his way onto the paddock at some point during the first quarter. Clive is a dog who has been in a car on a very long journey. The car is about to stop and the door is about to open. He should do more than wee himself in excitement."
"If Connolly doesn't play the Crazyhorse off the pine, then he is missing out on one of the GREAT moments AFL football will ever be able to supply. Imagine the look of utter confusion on the faces of the Bluebaggers when the Crazy one runs on and the place erupts. They will go to their graves wondering what all that was about. Half of them will not know who he is and the other half will be even more confused. They may have to have debriefing sessions at halftime with Aunty Denis talking them through it and saying he'll stick by them - despite their obvious public humiliation in the dacks department.
Their fear and confusion, as they are decimated by the most guttural roar WA has heard, will be something to savour.
Unleash the mayhem, Connolly, don't have it wandering around headless before the game even begins. In comedy, timing is all."
"How was his warmdown at the end of the game? The Crazyhorse just crouches down, points the date at the tarmac and sniffs the air for that familiar scent of blood and disaster. I expect he actually growls softly to himself as he spasmodically jerks his hips and stares directly ahead like a toddler taking a dump."
Barney says:
Gold, KL.
fancy dave says:
This is a discussion thread of absolutely PURE gold. The first for a while to stay on-topic.
Jimbo and BDW - hats off to a couple of fine rants.
It stands as testament to Clive's ability to unite lovers of ridiculous mayhem; to inspire grandiloquence and awe from the otherwise jaded; to boldly go where no man has really ever thought of going before, because it's maybe not such a good idea.
Clive, we salute you.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
Old Man Milner-Rundgren reads my columns! :blush emoticon: and these were some classic quotes heard eminated during his perusal:
"Haha, its funny coz it's true!!"
"Matt, Matt, come hither - what the hell is "fooseball"?"
"Haha, so true, so true, you remember that Tigers game we caught just last week, and I *swear* when Clive touched the ball - a smile creased my lips, my son!"
"Haha, Yes, its true! Where are the Characters going? I tell you, young Matthew, it ain't like it was in MY day. Grab a feet-seat and let me tell you about the classic '65 WAFL GF. See back in those days, it was called the W-A-F-L, so named after an onion I used to tie around my belt- which was the style at the time…."
*sniff* Clive touches all…could he even be bestowed the title Master Philanthropist? With social commentary such as "Hingsley", I think we all know the answer to that…
Barney says:
Bigg Daddy, that 'onion on the belt' bit slays me every time…
And I am in complete concurrance with you, Fancy Dave. This is by my estimation, one of the best threads to have hit Kilbot.net in all of my time here for the pure eloquence, insight and perspicacity exhibited on the part of BDW and James "Jimbo" Laney, not to mention the apt contribution of one DJ KL.
Keep up the good work, boyz. This could form the prototype for what will one day be called Rantbot, and should be immortalised as such on its own little page when Kilbot.net v.2 hits the interweb…
KL says:
I'm sure if Clive had played against Geelong he would have kicked 15 goals.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
I'm pretty sure I had a *no shit* dream where Clive was seriously named in the Derby squad!….
How awesome would that be?
Knowing that he's out of contract, Coach Conners does the rightie by all fans of the game, fans of the team by inserting a man on a HOT streak, with no reason to play except FOR HIS WHOLE FRICKIN CAREER ON THE LINE, slapping together 2 INSPARATIO-GAMES to breathe life back into the Doldrumockers!
Seriously, he's a Derby Specialist, and would easily be able to confuse the heavily overrated Glass by not running in straight lines (ala Richo, Baz Hall), but rather in [crop] circle fashion as he seemingly aimlessly wanders round the paddock looking for packs to jump on…
On the backing of those two games totalling 63 possessions, 42 marks, 18 goals and 101 points, (and a flag with The Mighty 'Mont Tiges) The Waterhose opts for free agency and finds himself back on the wagon with BrizRoy or Essendon (how funny would that be?)
THAT is the definition of awesomity!
That would be my definition of awesome
Awesome says:
Dude, lay off the "awesomes" dude…
KL says:
B-Diddy you are speaking the gospel truth.
Like Dale Kickett before him, Clive could sacrifice himself for the good of the team.
First of all he should go mental, bray like a wounded donkey and snap Judd Judy's leg in half. Then, while the violent melee ensues, he could bite off the ear of Cuzzy Wuzzy and spit it into Log Lynch's face.
That'd be the ultimate way to go out. Crazyhorse style.