Stack Of The Century ™, Celebrity Judge MeatAxe and Footy Tipping - This one's got it all! (Part 1)
Posted by Bigg Daddy Wallbuxx | Filed under: News
Lemme start by saying - I LOV3 The Int3rn3t!! Especially, that bit where u write half a page of shit, and it just, like, resets itself with apparently no recollection of what the f–k you’ve written! AW3S0M3!!!
Anyhooters, this tale had to be told, and given this page generates 200,000 hits an hour (198,089 coming from my IP address), I’d figure this would be the most appropriate forum to divulge a few tales of some “incidents” which have occurred lately in SleepyTown aka Dullsville…
One involves a Dangerous Lil’ Birdy, the other a Local Celebrity ™ hanging in Little Surfers aka Scarbs, and then there’s some good old fashioned links to join an 3l33t footy tipping comp - run by yer ole pal The Wallbuxx
So join yer ole Bigg Daddy now, as we firstly delve into the grizzly spectacle which was initially described as “OMIGOD, OMIGOD!!”, then later “The Biggest FuckUp In 10 Years”, and finally “Stack Of The Century”…..
Wow, just feels like i wrote this same shit 10 minutes ago - that’s right, I did! Thanks computer, if you were a person, we both know by now I would’ve literally shat on you many times over 
Back to the evening in question, which, as I recall started innocently enough, with the boyz regaling some tales of yore over a snifter of port by the heath of the fireside over a couple of good hard games of cribbage…what possible evil could this light-heartedness beget?
Maybe it was the stockpile of drinks accumulated by the lure of “Free Piss” fiasco at the “new” Monkey Bar, which saw punters lining up 4-deep only to be confronted by a 2-drink limit….maybe it was the “new” Monkey Bar (nee The Globe) which had fuckall “new” about it, save for the somewhat irritating presence of a DJ playing megahits of yesteryear “Eurogliders - Heaven”, and dare I say it, “Phil The Fuck Collins - Suedio”,which made a few tempers flare and prompted musical purists ala yer ole Bigg Daddy and Mori McLennan aka Cocky Lighthouse Jr to wish immediate and greusome death upon said DJ, as emphasised by the universal “throat-cut” gesture made in his direction on many an occassion…
The boyz were settling in nicely for a quiet little bender on the streets of Perth, but maybe more foreshadowing evidence was in need, as displayed by the blatant nazi-ism of The Spirit Soundbar….Decked in my 2-piece work suit, sure, I was hot as hell and cool as shit, but it served me in good stead when some door-cock would not let Robby Raw into the bar under any circumstances due to his “uniform/ club jersey” - ooookay, maybe if this was LaBogAn and it was packed full of geezer punters, or maybe even if Robby was wearing El Cunto Del Spectacularo, the most reviled team in South America - unfortunately for Spirit, Robby was wearing an Argentian National…………
Polo Shirt - yes, as in polo on horses…..
Yes, he wasn’t even allowed to touch a beverage whilst out on the footpath area, but still we would not let this deter our evening of gags, and bid adieu (french for seeya cocksucka!) to our racist homophobe establishment……
They say hindsight is 20/20 - they also say “Kiss Me, Im Irish” - whatever the case, whoever decided our next venue should be the nouveau Melbourne gay-”pub”-wannabe The Box as our destination was probably very gay himself. AK is gay - there, I said it! Any rate, usual scene for one of these places, “fashionable” dudes wearing 3/4 pants (I invented that shit!), skinny chix drinking cocktails that they saw Carrie and Miranda drinking on tv…..and us! Now, by this stage we had acquired “2 Girls And A Gay” and were easily accepted in the establishment, as we instantly doubled their clientele..
To set the scene, I had been “in contact” with the DJ thru the evening, giving a few tips, y’know the usual, rummaging thru his collection (i swear I have single-handedly started the Ghostbusters Ray Parker revival *See NYE 04), and maintaing a rapport… Oh yes, should also mention the DJ dex was set up right beside the bar, and under the stairs, but yeah, right beside the bar…
Maybe something should’ve twinged when I was “dancing” with “Willo” Wilcox, and her “trick” for the evening was to saunter past said DJ, who would be digging in his crates, whilst “DJ” Willo would invoke her innovative “scratch-n-bail” technique, causing said DJ to wonder who added those mystery scratches in every second song…..he probably thought he was having an off-nite, and couldn’t wait to seal it with his new house megamix, whatever the shit he was playing…
Now, this is where Lil’ Birdy NumNutz and his, shall we say, Homer-esque knee-bending riverdance, came to the forefront, as I noticed Lil’ Birdy was having trouble maintaing his balance in an upright direction, and given he was only 1m away from me, it caught my eye when he lost his balance and fell to the floor…
End of story right? Well, in most normal circumstances, that would be the case, but hey, we’re talking Lil’ Birdy Clutz-City NumNutz From Hell here! Ya mutha wouldn’t like it!…
So, as Birdy is falling backwards in sloooooow motion (i saw every single painstaking second), his subsubconcious decided (coz god knows his consious and subconcious brain were very much disabled at this point) “Hey dude! Best way to stop falling is to grab something to pull you up! You’re a winner dude! Everybody loves you!”
He grabbed the decks….
He Grabbed The Decks…
He Grabbed The Decks….
OMIGOD! Not just two turntables - not just two turntables, and a mixer - not just two turntables, a mixer, and a CD mixer - not just two turntables, a mixer, a CD mixer, and an amp - not just blah fucking blah… he tore the whole muthafuckin DJ cabinet DOOWWWNN! including 2 amps, speaker, dex, and it came chrashing to the floor….
Y’know that sound in movies when a honkytonk whiteboy (ala Marty McFly as Clint Eastwood) walks into a bar, and the music stops and the record goes SCCRRRRIITCH!
Yup, that came first, then the sound of an entire DJ booth crashing on the floor….then me, seeing Birdy on his ass - silence and shock reigned!
Now at this point, my options were vast, yet Birdy’s were limited, so I perceived them as such: 
(a) turn around in horror (OMIGOD BIGGEST FUCKUP EVER!) and disavow all knowledge of said NumNutz;
(b) get straight into the DJ area, start lifting ther decks up, being uber-helpful whilst analysing and smoothing the entire situation in a speed-addled frenzy; OR
(c) keep on drinking and listen to the sweet sounds of Birdy having the chicken stuffing kicked the shit outa him!
Well, u obviously dont know me, as it was actually a combination of (a) and (b)….fortunately whilst I was in there smoothing things out like a mu’fucka, someone with half a brain had the presence of mind to get Birdy the fuck away from there as quick as possible! There were electrical cords hanging everywhere, but by the end I gavea serious prognosis of “superficial damage only” and “nothing structural”, and even such a good bloke I persuaded them that Birdy was truly a Clutzy C–t (whom I would assisnate on their behalf) and even left my mobile, under the pseudonym “Jerry Rivers” - whoever he is…
And to confirm, yes, this event ENDED the evening COLD! No music, house lights on, everyone gathered around like a homicide investigation (which it nearly was!) and yer ole pal Bigg D leaving on such good terms he nearly asked for a free beer for helping out…
Anyrate, to wrap this turkey up, no calls were made, no charges laid, and the seeds were sewn for the critical birth of Youngstuddz.com. All in all, a good nite for punters!
Oh yeah, as an addendum - we had Birdy’s mobile from said “incident”, and 2 hours after said “incident” we received a phonecall whereby I answered pretending I was the owner of the club and proceeded to inform said patsy (not Birdy, but his mate) that we “knew who he was, where he lived, and were going to hunt him like a f’n dog until he f’n paid in blood you f’n c**t!” then hung up….it was only recently I was updated that Birdy took this to heart, and in an early morning reveal, sat down his missus to discuss the genuine prospect of “some people coming around to bash me”…..
Ahhhh, gags - oh yeah, and the photo at the top of the story? That’s ANOTHER addendum, where Birdy happened to also smash a vase in The Box toilets…ahhh, if it wasn’t for Birdy, the kids’d starve!!
Fuck me, that took a bit - so I leave you with Part 1, whereupon Part 2 will have some explanations as to why Meataxe was in “semi-retirement” and how he took his role of celebrity-judging as a key to exacting revenge on the piece of crap that won last year….
Oh yeah, and here’s the Footy Tipping details! Invite all, there are no rules, save that Wallbuxx Is King, Allen Jakovich is God and Mighty Deez will earn me some $ this year, or its back to salary-cap routing!
Footy Tipping Details Below!
You are invited to join my AFL 2004 Footy tipping competition at OzTips.com - Your Sports Tipping Headquarters online.
Comp Number: 37539
Comp Name: Allen Jakovich Gambling & Crayfish House
Password to join: ajakovichisgod
To join:
—————-
1. Go to http://www.OzTips.com
2. From the home page, select “I’m new and I want to tip”, and setup a user account (if you don’t already have one on OzTips.com).
3. Select “I want to join a Tipping Comp” on the home page, or the “Tipping” tab.
4. Enter the Comp Number and Password details above.
5. That’s it. Full instructions on how to tip can be found on the site by clicking on the “Help” tab.
Regards,
Bon Meat Axe-Lee Roth
paindogg@hotmail.com
Hot Chick says:
Dude, you're like awesome-funny, and articulate…wanna watch me and my sorority sisters make out?
HCxxoo
manager of "the box" says:
dude, you are lucky it's difficult to figure out what the hell you're fucin talking about - becos I've got murder on me mind! :@
KL says:
Sweet Zombie Jesus, that is some funny shit. Let's go there next week and do it again… we should take turns to smash that shit up.
Jim says:
Hot damn, that could've been me. I very narrowly avoided falling on top of KL's decks at a Nattrass Oz Day party a few years back. Luckily, KL was too busy cutting up Andy Gibb's 'Shadow Dancing' to notice.
killer says:
that is a great story (once you get past all the cussin'), i've been spreading it around easside… they don't know Mr Aviary or The Box, but they all agree it is the work of a true goose.
i like KL's idea of doing it again. we could pitch it to a commercial network as a new reality series, sort of like 'My Restaurant Rules' but in reverse. you start off with five night-clubs, and then slowly tear them apart… we'll call it 'My Night-Club Is Shit And Got What It Deserved'. have you got any photos of the DJ booth post incident, Bigg Daddy? we could use them in the pilot.
also, as a side note, i have fixed the timeout on the news posting. sorry you lost all that writing Mr Wallbuxx… take as long as you want next time.
killer says:
also as an aside, just to clear up the matter of [url=http://www.kilbot.net/stats/usage_200403.html#TOPSITES]page hits[/url], you are currently sitting at 3.58% of all visits, behind KL at 5.04% and me at 4.07%.
KL says:
Shee-it, I hit this page pretty often then, more often than Kilbot himself. :embarrest
That's a bit of a freak out. :s
I do work, I promise. I just like to keep in touch with what's going on at kilbot.net.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
Glad to see that universal shame transcends all states! and I truly hope it was all the cussin that distracted you and not the style (i likes to tell a good tales, me do) - maybe I am up for some kinda Pirate Potty-Mouth Award? I like to use that sh*t for emphasis, but will make a mental note…
(Mental Note: Cork Killer for causing morning brain implosion due to auto timeout ?!? - try to imagine typing away early morning, then the look of disbelief on my face as the screen goes blank :huh: , turning to crowning anger :@, culminating in sarcastic caustic praise directed verbally at my computer screen :weirdo: ! Possibly augmented by the fact it had happened to me *minutes* earlier on hotmail!)
No photos of actual incident (unless we can do that dying-mans-memory-to-hard-drive transaction), but I've had it on good authority there is a seriously gay as all houses photo of Birdy on the Net somewhere….and it will proudly reside next to this story ASAP!
The reality show - seriously, I thought the networks had found their niche (ie home improvement, dating, game show, flying sharks) but now they're on this whole Series 7 type shite, I reckon we could sneak this past the censors! Unfortunately, the Perth community may suffer from only having 2 publicans left standing…
Good to see Im top 3 for page hits, and i trust that includes all 14 split personalities, and hopefully Part 2 will bring the the other 180,320 hits we need to keep kilbot afloat ;)
Gags Quotes... says:
Well, no point cramming up the SHoutbot - best to leave some choice anecdotes under this sterling article!
Credit: Some dude named Emo Phillips:
"I said 'Are you a Christian or a Jew?' He said 'Christian.' I said 'Me too! Protestant or Catholic?' He said 'Protestant.' I said 'Me too! What franchise?' He said 'Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?' He said 'Northern Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.' I said 'Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region of 1850?' He said 'Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.' I said 'Die heretic!' And I pushed him off the bridge!"
"Capitol punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon master."
[b]"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."[/b]
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something…"
[b]"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." [/b]
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas…"
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
KL says:
This guy is funny on paper, but in real life he has one of those "wacky" voices.
Check out the one-liners of Jack Handy and Steven Wright for similar gag-fests.
badger says:
re. page hits
nice to see that "pictures of queens" is a highly ranked search string for this site killer
More Gags Quotes says:
[i]Deuce I gotta tell you, you gonna make one fine man whore. You got a special mangina.
Mangina?
Yeah, that’s pimp talk for how we handle our he-bitches.
I’m not your man whore.
Why you ungrateful he- bitch [/i] -[b] Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo. [/b]
killer says:
hey, if anyone was wondering where that scene of the exploding-head-gif came from (like me and fancy were just last week), it's a scene from [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081455/]Scanners[/url] by the master of flesh puppetry David Cronenberg.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
Cheers Killa - I hand't really wondered, but the actual poster for Scanners gave me some cool flashbacks…about the poster being cool that is…it *is* a nice head explosion! :s