Inspired by this thread on B3ta, I thought that I would start a discussion on the worst songs ever.
Obviously there are two main categories here:
1. Worst Songs Ever: Songs that absolutely suck, no matter how you look at them.
2. Most Hated Songs Ever: Songs that others may think are good, but you hate them for some (possibly irrational) reason. These are often the songs that I get requests for every time I DJ.
To get the ball rolling I would have to say that the first arse-bitingly inane single from the Fast Food Rockers made my jaw drop and my bowels loosen when I had the misfortune of stumbling across the clip on Video Hits. I still don't think I have properly recovered from that horrifying trauma.
Go nuts people. I want to see the vitriol fly.
Barney says:
KL. I'll see your FFR and raise you anything ever put out by Celine Dion as being representative of the most unexplainedly annoying music created. I can't work out if it's those deathly-looking arms, the gaunt 'I shoot it between my toes' look to her sunken, palid cheekbones, or that fucking backward suit she wore to the grammys a few years ago, but if sahe were rendered speechless upon the posting of this very message, it would not be soon enough to prevent the senseless spawning of innumerable wannabe divas the world over… I HATE those songs…every one of them.
badger says:
A hateworthy band that are on the rise would have to be Mercury4 and their song "Get Me Some". You know, the one that goes "I'm gonna get me some of that!" in a manner that, well, sounds like they're trawling for full man on man greek.
[img]http://www.bmg.com.au/cache/22394/x300y300.jpg[/img]
Also, not that they're particularly hateworthy or anything, but I was reading through a stack of old NMEs my Dad wants me to throw away and one of them had an interview with right said fred. They were saying they had a song called "The Church of Christ Almighty Look At The Size of Those Tits". It made me laugh and think of der facista for some reason.
Barney says:
Perhaps you caught the debut live performance from the Mercury4 lads on the Eddie Show a few months back…anyone would hate them after seeing that…
KL says:
Nice work, boys.
Celine and her fellow banshees all need to be drowned in boiling warthog fat.
Mercury4 are a festering pimple on Eddie's arse-face.
And Right Said Fred surprise me with that comment, because they are so completely gay.
Once whilst DJing at a dance party this friggin' retarded powertool asked me repeatedly to play The Choirboys one and only "hit" [i]Run To Paradise[/i]. With no sense of irony either. I should have smashed the c*nt.
killer says:
a friend of mine once had the misfortune to catch a bit of Cher's Believe ("Do you believe in life after love?") on the radio while coming down from acid, for some reason his twisted mind grasped onto the vocal distortion and repeated it over and over again, burning it deep into his cerebral cortex. Being a silly little man he had no Mersyndol or Tamazipan to end the torture and had to spend three hours writhing on his bed, screaming "Get out of my head you foul beast!" while Voyko laughed in the next room.
everytime my friend hears that song warm brain juice slides down his spinal cord.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
[open Mudgates]
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Nothing makes my blood boil harder an faster than that "catchy little ditty" that you just can't shake out of yer head, and the relevnat damning experience associated with it:
1) Chubawumba - FIFA2001 have got a f'n lot to answer for for using that Piece Of Flaming Shite as its promo song…I mean shitty shit song, but then its taken on as some kind of 'uplifting anthem' with lyrics like, "pissing the night away"…WTFFFF*???
(* What The Fuckin Fuck Fuck Faaaaark?)
2) Choirboys - when this song first came out, I was at a family friends party, and said son around my age had a sorta hankering for the once-popular number….so he proceeded to dominate the jukebox, and I swear to god I musta heard "JOHNNY!!!" around, oohhh, 280 times that day? (yea - you can mix that into anything right KL?)
3) Mercury 4 - "I gotta get me some of that….I NEED to get me some of that" They *mean* that shit man…More than Lennon ever wanted world peace, Mercury 4 NEED "some of that"!
4) Spice Girls - y'know how even tho you're meant to hate a group, but you have that one guilty pleasure song that you can't help but defend? That is NOT the case with these herpes-carriers!
5) Matchbox 20 - I swear to god aren't all their song about Unwell, Sick and Fucked Up Again? Morose mu'fuckas! Apparently Rob Thomas is a huge coke fiend tho, so he's got that going for him…
6) Kylie - Slow - what, she thinks she's dominated the pop market, so time to move onto the pill-over trance daytime recovery market?
7) Any song where everyone in the pub/club knows the words…and sings along - this is where multiple homicides should be legal (see Otzi, "DJ")
When you think about it, before R&B became huge and you could play Eminem in the club, muthafuckin Cott Clones were just dancing to 80s music….Ladies & Gentlemen I give you Club Bay Cunt!
8) Any fucked up remake of an 80s song done in "techno" version - how can these Eurotrash f-nutz maintain some semblance of credibility when there is obvioualy some DAT Formula Button out there which "transforms" these alleged "hits" by way of adding a techno beat…mmm, I like the bits where the voice goes all echo-y, then fades out, then kicks back in, its like WOAH You got me there dude! Original Lyrics!!! Boys of Fucking SUmmer Dude!
9) So-Solid Crew (21 Seconds) - any MC worth his salt would NOT have these lyrics in their resume [verbatim] "How old am I 21,I got 21 seconds till my vocals are done,2 multiplied by 10, plus 1,Romeo done." Awesome man! I also like how they brag about their rhymes which are basically Fatman Scoop shoutouts….
10) Delta - Predictable - Never has a pop song had such an apt and beautifully ironic name. I swear it sounds like 1/3 Madonna (Papa Dont Preach), 1/3 Celine (in Full Rock Mode), and 1/3 Pat Benetar…Another sweet irony? It was the *only* release from her #1 for 16789 weeks album which DIDN'T go straigh to #1!! I know your game!
Ahhh, The Iceberg has just been scraped…in the immortal words of Gubernator Schwarzenegger "Levity is good, it helps relieve the tension and removes the fears of your impending death"
Jim L. says:
I guess these songs fit into the [b]Most Hated Songs[/b] category, as it's entirely possible that someone, somewhere does not find these stinkers completely offensive…
'Am I Not Pretty Enough?' by Kasey Chambers. In a word, no. Nor are you a good enough singer. Or person.
'For The Longest Time' by Billy Joel is a toe-curler from Hades. Everytime I hear my best girl's chums drunkenly warbling this audio horror show I wanna puke.
'Dancing In The Moonlight' by Toploader, as nominated on the site KL linked to, is a minger of the funkiest order. The video is particularly nauseating as the one-hit wonders try to deceive viewers into believing they are fun people to be around.
'What About Me?' by Moving Pictures. Even as a young child I knew this song was a piece of whiny poo.
'Glycerine' by Bush. How do they sleep at night, knowing that their career is based on the wholesale misappropriation of "grunge" music? (Answer: on a large pile of money with many beautiful women).
'Lightning Crashes' by Live. See above.
'A Girl Like You' by Edwin Collins can go fuck itself, made even worse by that horrid whispered scratchy female vocal refrain littered throughout.
'Mr. Jones' by Counting Crows. It pains me to know that their shitlocked singer has been kept in coke, limos and hookers by masquerading as a sensitive bloke.
And KL, you're forgetting the Choirboys' 'Boys Will Be Boys'.
B-Diddy DubSac says:
I love the fadeout..
"Ya know ya don't have a choice…
Coz Boys Will Be Boys!
Boys Will Be Boys, Boys, Boys!
Boys Will Be Boys, Boys, Boys!
Boys Will Be Boys, Boys, Boys!"
Who fucking wrote that, Selena?
I think we need to diverge this topic into 2 more categories…
1) Shitawful Follow-up Songs After The One-Hit Wonder:
- see Alban, Dr "Its My Life"
- what the f was the second Chubawumbadingdong song? Fuck me, that sucked!
2) Horrible, horrible pub anthems which are now sorta kitsch, and you like singing when drunk:
- see Dobbyn, Dave "Slice of Heaven" (Da da da oom-oom Da da da oom-oom Da da da oom-oom Da da da da dowwww!)
- Poor, The "More Wine Waiter Please" (and that magnificent fade-out "Oi!……Oi!……Oi!")
And thanks for reminding me Jimbo, Bush were phonies of the highest order! Its kinda like The Industry tried to pigeonhole them, but they could never admit to themselves that Goddam Awful Shite *is* a valid category in this instance..
Oh yeah, and how Kasey Chambers *murdered* True Colours? Cindy would be rolling over in Keith Richards grave!
And Id put this up for uber-nomination, but Im sure none of you ever had the mispleasure of hearing Scott "Popstar" Cain's opus to mankind "Im Moving On"…set the world on fiyyyyare!
KL says:
Oh jeez this is all genius, I am so glad I put this topic up. Everyone is right on the money today.
BTW, Matty Milner and I have discussed the second album in our compilation series (after the success of [b]A Call To Arms[/b]) as being along the lines that B-Diddy has suggested, ie. [b]One Hit Wonder Follow Up Songs[/b].
Now that would be an album of god-awful shite that no-one would ever want to hear.
badger says:
I once lived in a house [55 Williams Rd Nedlands] that held my personal record for the shortest time before getting evicted - I was there 2 months, the place was full of geologists, and so I was quite glad to leave. One of the many people that lived there was a surfy dude, and at the time there was a song that was on super-mega high rotation on the radio. That song had the chorus "How bizarre, how bizarre". I swear they were the only two words that came out of this guys mouth in response to anything.
And lo, a young badger regarded that as surfy vacancy of the highest order, and his hatred spilled over into a hatred of the song itself.
Jim L. says:
Whilst Chris De Burgh's 'Lady In Red' certainly deserves a guernsey in this list, I believe his lowest point (and there have been many) was 'Don't Pay The Ferryman'. Sure it's got some camp value but De Burgh just takes it all too seriously, the worst histrionics coming in the 'Ah-ahhhhhhhh, ah-ah-ah!' bit after the chorus. The thought of all those baby-boomers (whose usual Saturday night would involve eating meat 'n' melon and dropping their car keys into a bowl) dancing their horrible gypsy dance to this solemn piece of detritus makes me fecal vomit.
fancy dave says:
Jimbot, you need to hear C de B's REAL worst song. 'Spanish Train' she be called, and strong be the man who can tame her.
While of course I love it (as I do all music) most people have trouble finding space in their gales of laughter in which to cry, vomit, shit and scream in abject terror.
Histrionics? Makes 'ferryman' sound like a nursery rhyme. It's one of those duel with the devil numbers, and the worst of a very bad bunch.
I also thought for a terrifying moment that you were referring to 'Dancing in the Moonlight' by Thin Lizzy, which is a fucking all-time rocker. 'I always get chocolate stains on my pants' being a favorite line of mine.
Which leads me to my second entry - also a little obscure I'm afraid (as a music lover without fear or favour, it's hard for me to contribute to this thread). Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy singer) plays a character in the War of the Worlds musical who sings an absolute stinker. A little like C de B, actually, in that it's religious, impassioned to an untenable degree, and so god-awful you will shit blood for weeks. Seek it out, then blame me. Don't tell Kirsty, though, because she loves the whole album.
Jim L. says:
I'm with ya 100% Fancy. What is it about that 'chocolate stains' bit that gets you, me and so many other good folk gooey inside? Sure, we're all well-versed in [i]confessional rock[/i], but that line kills me every time.
Jim L. says:
B Diddy, who could forget Selena's ample charms bouncing out of that white bikini top in the pool? I was young and and I felt warm, fuzzy feeling in places that I had previously regarded as a mere nuisance. B
B-Diddy DubSac says:
Sam "Foxy" Fox -v- Selena….
Ahhh yes, when Dueling PopStars had merit based solely upon the ampleness of their bosom - how ironic that Shakira is now the Leader of the New Duel!(sic!)
De Burgh…
Whats that phrase again? Synochrisity? I've just been reminiscing on another world-famous forum *cough*Youngstuddz*cough* over my Second Ever Concert Experience…You guessed it, Eve won us 96FM tickets to Mr De Burgh in tha flesh. Somehow I will never erase memories of when "Lady in Red" came on, I turned around and all I could see was the mirrorball reflecting off some the biggest uberdorks the world has to offer, slowly swaying in their chairs (hey, *nobody* stands at PEC!)
And to top that off ('add insult to injury'?), Eve happened to be the "lucky punter" who entered their ticket stub, and proceeded to win 96FMs prize!!
Can you say "The Entire Chris De Burgh Catelogue" on CD? when taping CDs to tape was still the done thing? Happily, I scored one of the many "Best Ofs", whilst Eve was left sitting on 9 other choice De Burgh cuts, not having had the luxury of owning a CD player at this stage!!!
I love it when Chrissy gets a bit saucy on "Patricia The Stripper"…
War Of The Worlds S/track…
Im afraid you'll have to put me in the Kirsty bracket, as I reckon each tune has its own mythical place, which is vital to constructing all the key elements of the invasion…"No Nathaniel"….sorta like the "Somewhere" outa West Side Story…
[b] Still [/b] the only CD which can give me goosebumps….
[b][i] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! [/b][/i]
In other crap song news, can we please dissect the entire "J-Ho" catalogue?
My favourite-ever line:
"Can't forget to stay real,
To me its just like breathing"
Just give me an image of J0Ho with texta marks on her forearm reading "DON'T FORGET: 1) BREATH; 2) KEEP IT REAL; 3) MARRY SOMEONE NOW!!"….maybe tattoos…
badger says:
Tom Waits did a grand ole' version of 'somewhere' on his album blue valentine. Except he's not crap.
Although Mori McLennan does make me laugh when he sings his version of Tom Waits version of Waltzing Matilda.
chris de burgh says:
<center><img src="http://www.kilbot.net/images/cdb_2.jpg" alt="C D B!">
Hello everybody, I'm Chris de Burgh, and can I just say it's so great to hear from so many young fans, I will be sending all of you signed copies of my new CD entitled 'Lady In Burghundy'</center>